Sunday, April 18, 2010

Coping in A Recession, A How-To Guide For The Rich

Although many fabulously well-to-do economists are claiming the recession is over, I've noticed many of my wealthy friends have fallen on hard times. Fortunes have been chopped in half: what was 6 billion dollars is now a mere 3 billion dollars. Many of my friends can only afford 5 yachts a year, rather then 10 or so. Dire straits indeed.

Yet, there is no need to worry- I have a solution. I was thinking of this as I was shooting Lara, Abby Lee, et al today, and I was thinking that this "blog" originally intended to be a guide to life. Then I thought: who do I care about the most? Who is most in need? Why, the rich of course. The wealthy. Those with a silver spoon in their mouth, born or purchased. Without the rich there'd be no poor- the poor would simply cease to exist. They would vanish in a "poof!" of air. There would be no middle class, either- because without the rich, the middle class would have no job (ie. serve the rich), and therefore they'd turn into the poor and then vanish in a "poof!" of air also. Without underling classes, there would be no rich, and therefore there'd be no humans at all. Without humans, animals would cease to exist also because their job, naturally, is to provide food and furs and such for humans. In essence: the universe would collapse.

Then I thought: how can I best the rich who are not as fortunate as I? Well, I thought about this for a while, and then I realized the best way would be to write a Guide To Doing Things For The Rich. We'll start with supermarket shopping. I personally went to a supermarket and discovered how they work, so you can be assured that this is all correct.

How To Shop At Supermarkets (For The Rich), by Karl Lagerfeld.

The first thing to remember about supermarkets is that they don't have a doorman. However, most of them do seem to have "auto-matic doors", which open when you step close to them. You can experiment with different techniques for doing this: the most common is simply to walk near the door, stop, wait for the doors to open and then walk through. It's also possible to hold your hands in front of the door, say "OPEN, PROLETARIAN DOOR!" and it will open. In fact, one can say as many things as one wants to say, and the doors will open. I think they're a wonderful invention.

Once you've accomplished Walking Through The Door, you can move onto the next step: moving through "The Gates". You'll discover once you pass through the door, there is another set of doors- generally metal barriers, although they're sometimes plastic. These are to stop thieves from getting away too quickly, I think. There is one set of "gates" for you to walk through, and another to walk out of. Once you've been to the supermarket a few times, you'll get the hang of it. (TIP: Don't wear couture to the supermarket, it could get damaged, and often won't fit through the "gates". I went to the supermarket with my friend Daphne Guinness the other day- she wore the Yohji Yamamoto "wedding dress" which requires several people to hold it up. It was a challenge getting it into the store, as you can imagine.)

You'll also notice that there are things which the supermarket staff will call "trollies". These are large metal baskets which I believe are for putting the goods which you obtain in "the store" (supermarket slang) in. Models also fit in there nicely, but it's generally accepted that you give the trolly back after using it. One works the trolly by pushing it from the front- you'll notice that there's a sort of bar with which one can do this. They're wonderful machines, and quite useful when one doesn't have a bevy of assistants to carry things.

The supermarket is divided into sections, similar to how a boutique is divided, except for "perfume", "clothes", "luggage" etc is replaced with more mundane titles like "vegetables and fruit", "meat", "beverages". Do not be fooled: they function more or less the same way, though there are no fitting rooms to try a carrot on, or see if a toothbrush fits. Normal people don't have these luxuries. You can make your selections by wheeling the trolly around the store and placing the selection in your trolly. Once you've finished that, there is one final step. This is the most important step.

This most important step is to maneuver your trolly into a narrow space know as a "counter", manned by a pimply youth. They will say "Hello, sir/madame". The normal response is "Greetings, Supermarket Worker". Then they will give you the price of all your purchases, and you will be expected to pay for them. One should never say "Darling, charge it to my account" because supermarkets do not do this. Instead, one should offer the money- normally in the form of "cash" or "card". Finally, the youth will say "have a nice day!" half heartedly, and you will be expected to say "thank you" in reply. This is the etiquette.

Once one has done that, one can unload one's purchases into the rolls, take the trolly back to where you obtained it, and drive away. Congratulations: you've completed a successful trip to the supermarket.

Any questions on this how-to, please send them to fakekarl@gmail.com. I am always there to help those in need that blow their noses on Herm├Ęs scarves.

13 comments:

emily said...

Nicely done Karl, another hard-hitting, straight to the point, and enlightening guide. As I've come to expect from you, these facts have surely educated me on "the store". (As you can see, I picked up on the slang. You never cease to teach new things!)

Maia said...

One time i wore the wedding dress to "the store" and it was not a good idea. ps. tell lara i say hi.

Ronak said...

Enthralling account of life as a plebeian...

Appreciated.

K.M. said...

http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/daily/100419-karl-lagerfeld-pirelli-girls-tweeti.aspx
uh oh...people been ticking you off karl?

Ross said...

So that's how one obtains food!! In all my wildest dreams I would never have been able to figure that out. Thank you so much Karl, Now I can have food again (I had to fire my entire staff due to budget shifts, it was either couture or "The Help",. I chose clothes). The only problem with this, I might gain weight.

Orphin Lasz said...

Damn... This post was just... damn.
Funny, yes... But damn.

~ Orphin's Domains ~

ieatfashionforbreakfast said...

I agree, always good advice to avoid the bulky couture at the supermarket. What would all those silver spoon types do without your wisdom Karl.

mylene.pariset@gmail.com said...

It is rather important to notice that you cannot just walk through the "counter" with your trolly, but you must dispose tediously every item you wish to purchase on a somber-colored tapis (sprinkling French words for good measure) so that they can roll toward the supermarket counter lady sans grand effort of her part.
No one is generally willing to help you completing this task.

vidal.wu said...

I think you forgot to mention the transfer of said foods to the town car, where they give you these Made in China dust bags to carry the calories out of the store.

Grigalashvili A. said...

Nicely done carl (c)-Yes

Sorry, but wat is the name og your dauther?

snoblak said...

You always continue to amuse me with your writing. I once read the Queen of England couldn't recognize an ironing board when she saw one. Can you blame her?

wsxwhx719 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Ingrid said...

"OPEN, PROLETARIAN DOOR!"

hahahahaha... oh Mr. Lagerfeld, you have a wonderful sense of humour. I enjoy your writing very much.