I've noticed that there's a lot of perfumes that're being launched lately. So I'll launch one. Here's my script. The secret agent is dressed like a gestapo agent or something, hmm? And Brad is wearing......nothing!
SECRET AGENT [imagine a female Arnold Schwarzenegger]: Allo. This is officer model LADY. Yes I may have a monotone but I look at my BODY. Look at my CURVES. Okay I do not have very many curves but look at my JACKET. I am selling a PERFUME. It will not kill YOU. It is a perfume by Karl LAGERFELD.
BRAD [whilst he floats around in....a pool...a pool of diet Coke]: Ooooh look at me I am so gorgeous and so sexy. Hey, Karl. Why don't you come to Monaco. [floats off screen]
Now we have my giant fingerless gloved hand taking up the whole screen, WAVING. Wiggling my fingers like some chic worm. They wave and wiggle on screen...they start to move out of the TV. I, Karl Lagerfeld step out of the TV.
KARL: Hello, hmm? Mm. Hmm? I don't even need to say anything because I'm so chic, hmm? I can just stand here and "Hmm?" for an hour. Imagine it: statuesque figure, white hair pulled back, dark glasses polished and on; gleaming light back at everybody, my energy virtually turning me into the sun- no, into a really big star that's bigger than the sun. Like Kanye West or something. Bigger than Elvis. Bigger than Jesus. Bigger than the dominance of the blazer-and-tights outfit. And a Hmm? for an hour. They could make a CD of it. "Karl Hmm's: travels in Japan". Not that I'm actually in Japan, but it sounds more exotic. I probably should go over there again...Yohji has this place he takes you to. They have good....diet Coke. Yes, that's it. Diet Coke.
[Hmm?'s for an hour.]
And that's the end of the commercial. I didn't even show the bottle or anything. In fact, the perfume was only mentioned once. But they saw me; and in person too. So it'll sell.